I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
