she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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