Only a mothe r could love this liver
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
