Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
