Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize