jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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