Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My vagina is officially offended.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
