Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They are going to name an STD after you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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