ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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