I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
