it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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