Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
