There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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