he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
