do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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