it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
