Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
