nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
