Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize