dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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