I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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