I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
