a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
