she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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