everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
