If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
