Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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