my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
