he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
