honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
