god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the day after is always just damage control
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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