Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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