woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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