Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
