i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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