Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
