don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
