Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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