Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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