M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
