Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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