You're completely useless in the revolution.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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