let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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