Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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