Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize