That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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