I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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