You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
