If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
