The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
