$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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