I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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