I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Send help, water and tortillas.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
