Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
