i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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