It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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