I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We need to rekindle our bromance
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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