i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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