Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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