The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
