Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
